Because Referencing Someone's Fertility on a First Date is Not OK! - Part 2

It get worse ladies. Much worse. If you're just tuning into my blog right now, then you've probably missed Part 1 of my worst date ever. For those of you who haven't already, make sure you go back and read it, or you might not fully appreciate just how much of a fiasco this date really was.

- I'm sorry this is the longest story ever. But I vaguely reference it so many times on my blog, I might as well just post the whole thing. It makes for a lot of great, "You won't believe what this one guy did" stories.

Let's take a moment to put a few things into perspective before I jump back into our dinner convo where I left off. I was an 18 year old student at the time and way too naive nice. He was 27 and a student as well. We'd only met for ten minutes in person prior to this date, so I didn't know that much about him. But he was a friend of a friend. Alright, back to dinner:

After the straw spitting incident, I thought I'd quickly steer the conversation in another another direction.

Me: So what are you studying? What's your major?

Diesel: I'm actually just taking generals.

Me: Oh, that's cool. Do you know what you want to do after college?

Diesel: I don't know. Maybe I want to teach church seminary or be an astronaut!

He then goes on to explain, that he's been in college for a while. I forgot if he said he was 20 or 23 when he started taking classes. But in any case, homeboy's clearly been working on those generals for a really long time, which I ask about. Guess what? Apparently, he'd worked things out so that his scholarships covered his tuition, and he was getting enough money for from the government for being an unemployed student, that he didn't even need a job! Life was good, he didn't have to work or pay for any of it! - No really, that was his attitude.

I was going to school full time, working hard so that I could graduate in 4 years, and was pretty ambitious career wise. To say that I was unimpressed would have been a large understatement.
-100 points

The conversation didn't get much better after that, though he did mention a couple of times what a great wife and mother I'd be. He was nice, but that's the only good thing I could say about him at this point. It was getting late, and I decided it was time to head home. The date wasn't all that bad. It was just awkward, and Diesel was not at all my type. I could laugh it off my with girlfriends later, and forget about it, right?

That's when he asked if he could go to church with me the next morning. I don't know about any of you, but I would feel like an absolute jerk if I told someone they couldn't come to my church. Jesus said love everyone, so that just makes you feel exclusive and snotty. (This is incorrect by the way. You can always tell creepers that you don't want to go somewhere with them. Always.)

Sure enough, Diesel shows up for church on Sunday at 9 a.m., and I'm a little bummed. But a couple of hours won't kill me. Unfortunately, being in a church did not calm his loud 12 year old boy antics, and about five minutes, after she met him, my roommate was saying how bad she felt for him. He then decides to take this a step further and just head on home (to the dorms) with us after church. My roommate was thrilled, obviously.

I had no idea what to do with him! He just sat there awkwardly and talked to us in our dorm room for hours. By 4 p.m., I was all done and just asked him straight up when he was leaving. The friend who had brought him there, would come pick him up at 8. I thought I was going to die, and my roommate thought he was the most annoying person she'd ever met. We totally shared a room, so this was just as awkward for her.

Guess who never showed up at 8 o'clock? That's ride. His ride. Better yet, Diesel keeps saying "No, he's coming!" or "He'll be here I'm sure," every time I insist that he needs to call that kid and see what's up. I'm not even being nice at this point. 10 o'clock roles around and still no ride. I inform Diesel that he is calling his ride now and going home, because he is certainly not sleeping here. You should note that his awkward humor has not changed since he spit the straw at me, and potty jokes were frequently present. My roommate was going to kill him.

He then calls his friend who is conveniently out of town, and claims he thought Diesel was staying the night at my place. I am angry. Diesel suggests that I call one my guy friends to see if he could stay the night with them instead. But I like my guy friends too much to put something like that on them at the last minute.

My roommate hands me the keys to her car, and says something along the lines of "I don't care where you take him. Just get him out of here." So I take him for a late-night driving tour of Salt Lake, and that's when the crazy really started to come out.

He pointed at a every secluded dark place we passed saying, "Wouldn't it be funny if we just went parking over there." - Insert laughter with the occasional snort. Two minutes later, "Do you know why you'll be a great mother?" He then starts listing my "qualities," several of which are not true by any stretch of the imagination. Five minutes later, "You're going to be a great wife someday. Your husband will be so lucky."

He then repeated the same creepy phrases, at least five more times over the course of the next two hours. I just keep driving, because I'm afraid he's going to try to pull something if we stop. I look at the clock. Midnight. Oh my gosh! I have to stay up and entertain this creeper for who knows how long until his friends comes to pick him up in the morning.

I then remember that I know of a 24 hour grocery store and decide that as long as I was babysitting this guy, I might as well run a few errands. We head off to Smith's, and I start filling the cart. This is when he starts critiquing my food choices. "Shrimp? You really shouldn't be eating shrimp if you're planning on having babies anytime soon. Seafood is bad for pregnant women." I let him know that I'm not planning on having children any time in the near future and check out.

I gave up around 2 a.m. and told him, "Look. I'm going home. You can sleep on the floor or whatever, but I'm getting some sleep." I really didn't care at this point. Even my roommate was way beyond the point of annoyed and had no idea what to do with him. At 4 a.m., I crash. Somewhere, an alarm goes off. It's 8 a.m, and home boy has disappeared. I'm slightly freaked out and slightly relieved. He didn't steal anything right?

I step out the door, and guess where I find him? Laying on the bathroom floor. Apparently, he wanted to be chivalrous and didn't want me to think that he was just trying to sleep with me. Unfortunately, I was not the first person to find him. We share that bathroom with two other girls, who had no idea he was there, and one of my neighbors woke up to find a huge, strange man sleeping on her bathroom floor. She was not happy.

Let's sum this story up and say that his friend didn't come to pick until 1 p.m. Monday. It was the longest date ever and felt so much longer. He kissed my hand as he left, leaving a little bit of saliva, and I wanted to throw up a little.

The best part?

When he got home he told the friend that had originally introduced us, that I was the woman of his life, we were meant to be. In fact, he told a ton of people that I was the one, after just one, terrible date. I was really polite about it, but when my friend told him that I wasn't interested, he threw a temper tantrum - a genuine kicking and screaming, adult sized temper tantrum.

I became the subject of his vague Facebook statuses. It was something like, "Why do nice guys always finish last? Geeks unite!!!" He of course got tons of responses about how "That girl has no idea what she's missing!" and "Any girl would be stupid to not want to date you."

Let's be clear here. I was very aware of the fact that he was nice. Unfortunately, he also rubbed me the wrong way and sent off a bazillion red flags.

He later apologized and still want to be friends, but the whole thing had been blown so out of proportion, that we never, ever could have been close friends afterwards. I hold no hard feelings, and sincerely wish him the best, which is why I didn't use his real name. But you have to admit, it makes for a good story now. :)


Looking back, there is so much I could have done to change or prevent this catastrophe. But I was 18 and stupid. I wanted to be nice.

Good heavens, I have some things that I'd really love to tell my 18 year old self now.... Like telling that guy, that I'd drive him to a hotel. I remember thinking at the time that he was a poor college student, living off government aid and probably couldn't afford a hotel. But do you know what? He would have had nothing to eat but spaghetti for a few weeks, and gotten over it. That's how I was getting through college.

Heck, if I had just been straight with him from the beginning and told him when he did weird stuff or when he was scaring me, I may even have been able to save him from making the same embarrassing mistakes with other girls.


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