14 May 2013

The 5 Types of Creeper

All my ladies (single and taken) know what I'm talking about here. 

Creepers. 

You might find them in a class, at your work, standing in the street while you walk your dog, staring you down while you're out dancing with the girls. You find them in New York, Paris, London, and that little po-dunk town I grew up in. They're everywhere, and they do not care how completely uninterested you are. 

Today, I'm going to tell you about the different types of creepers. Now, before you judge these slimy weirdos, let me take a moment to remind you that these men are not functioning on a normal level of intelligence.

That guy that cat calls and whistles while driving by

He is the Coward Creeper. The only thing he achieves with his "moves" is making you feel like a sexual object, who isn't even worth a real conversation. The Coward knows that you would never, ever respond to his advances if you were face to face. He fulfills his need to objectify women and feel masculine by making a move from the safety of his own car. Idiot.

Let's be honest. This guy's already knows you're going to reject him. Otherwise, he would flirt with you in an environment where he could actually get your number. What are you supposed to do if you are actually intrigued by his drive-through flirting techniques? Run after the moving vehicle, hang on to the rear end, and give him your digits at a stop light? Um... No.

No better way to convince a girl to go out with you than screaming at her before speeding by at 40mph! Oh wait...


The guy who tells you what to do before you even start dating 

This is the Controlling Creeper. He probably seems normal at first. So you go on a date with him. Before you even get to the appetizer, he's already telling you what to order or negatively commenting on your outfit. "Are you sure that you want to wear that? I think a dress would be more appropriate."

Once, I guy I barely even knew told me on our first (and thankfully last) date that I shouldn't be eating seafood, and I needed to start avoiding shrimp if I wanted to start popping out babies anytime soon. He said it wasn't good for a mom-to-be to include that in her diet. I was 18. He scared the crap out of me. True story.

This is the kind of relationship you want to run away from long before it gets started. Quick girl. Run!

And if you try to tell me how to do it, I will dump your sorry behind faster than you can say "seafood". 


That guy you don't know who decides it okay to rub your arm, or hair, or any other body part

Never acceptable. I don't care if he's just a "touchy-feely" person. He is the Caressing Creeper. If he's not even friends with you, he does not have the right to touch you in anyway. You're going to need to shower at least three times to get the feel of creeper off of you afterwards.


Well, see ya later
Get out of there fast girl.

And then there's the guy who's already got the kid's names picked out...

... and you've only been dating for a week. Maybe he even talked about marriage the first time you met. He is the Commitment Creeper. You'll recognize him because he smells like baby-hunger and desperation. Maybe it's because I went to university in Utah, but I sure got a lot of these guys. The best lines (both from guys that I'd just met - "Wouldn't it be funny if we ended up getting married? We could tell our kids that we met here!" "You know what's great about you? I think you'll be a terrific wife." 

What?!
Who told these boys that was socially acceptable, flirty banter? 



The guy who knows way too much about you.

This is the Calculating Creeper. He shows up with flowers after you get out class. But you never told him that you took that class, nor what time it finished. You're not even dating... He mentions little things in conversations that make you wonder, "When did I put that on Facebook? Um...never. How does he know?" The cherry on the top? You don't have to worry about saying "no" when he asks for your number. He's already looked it up himself.


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Have you met one/all of these creepers already? Have any good stories? 


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*Disclamer: This is meant to be a humorous post.


Click Here if you'd like to read about the time I was a total creeper. :)

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