05 August 2013

How to Lose Friends

You know those days when absolutely everything and everyone gets on your nerves? You ran into a few too many idiots before breakfast and had trouble pretending to be in a good mood the rest of the day? I had a big one a few weeks ago, and this little post came to be :) . I had to wait a few weeks before posting it though, just to make sure it didn't come off too grumpy. But then I reread it, and didn't change a thing.

I meant absolutely everything I said when I wrote it, so that's the post you're getting today!

Disclaimer: You can continue do all of the following (except #2),  and I will still be friends with you. No judgement. I was just in a particularly irritable mood when I wrote this. None of the following (except #2) make you a bad person.  
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Just in case you ever need to know. These might not make people hate you, but you sure will annoy the crap out of a large portion of the population.

1. Make sure you smack your mouth a little louder while your chewing that gum. Extra points if you do it while sitting next to someone during a stressful midterm exam.

2. Make fun of handicapped people.

3. Don't wear deodorant. Ever.



4. Tell someone how they should raise their kids.
Extra points if you do this before you even have your own. One of the fastest ways humanly possible to make yourself look like an idiot and insensitive at the same time.

5. Make as many typos in your posts as I do.
Sorry friends...Forgive, me?

6. Criticize people who are doing you a favor.
Tell people who took their entire Saturday off to help you with a service project that they aren't getting things done fast enough. Preferably, you're just sitting back in this scenario, doing nothing, watching.

7. RiGhT REaly LoooOOnG FaCeBoOk StATuSeS WeRe U TyPE lIkE tHiS So nObOdY CaN ReeeAD iT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ExTraA PoInTs iF U UsE ToNs Of exLaMatIoN PoInTs!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Misspell the words "A Lot"
It's two words. Never one. I really couldn't care less about this one, and am probably guilty of having written it incorrectly "alot." But I keep reading about people who just can't stand this grammatical error. I'll do better in the future Gayle. Promise.

9. Talk about the color and/or size of your child's bathroom "business." 
When people go to see how you're doing on Facebook, that's definitely what they're hoping to see, right? Wrong. A good rule of thumb is that if it happened in a bathroom (or should have happened in a bathroom) you are by no means obligated to post about it on social media. If your kid's #2 is the wrong color, you should be consulting a doctor, not your Facebook friends.

Pictures of munchkins in diapers = Cute. Letting us know what's going on inside the diaper = Not so cute.

10. Tip a pregnant waitress 10% or less.
I don't even care if the service was only mediocre. If that women is 8 months pregnant, carrying around  huge trays of your food, and cleaning up after you, she gets at least 20%. Karma my friends, karma.

11. Talk about how much you love going "Bunny Busting" in front of a group of animal activists.

12. Tell people the truth.
Truth is, most people can't handle it.
Ex: Telling someone that their baby is ugly, or let them know that the reason their business/blog/relationship/etc. is failing because of their own bad decisions.

13. Pick your nose while you're at someone's house...
...and then discreetly try to wipe it on the back of their couch. I've seen it.

14. Thinking that you are better than other people.* 
Bonus points if you tell them directly. Ex: That idiot in college who told me that I should be grateful to be dating him, because he was better looking. I didn't even realize how horrible this was at the time, because I was 18 and insecure. Also he wasn't that cute, which made me feel even worse. Wow, he's kind of funny looking - I'm not even that cute?

*It's great if you think you're hot stuff. Confidence is a wonderful thing. I think you're hot stuff. People will look up to and admire people who know they're awesome, but also know how to keep it real.
(I'm pretty sure I can't actually pull off the phrase "keeping it real" in real life.)

Example: Heidi Klum, Jennifer Lawrence

But if you start treating other people like they're below you, no likes you, and it's not because they're jealous of you. They're just fascinated, trying to figure out what's wrong you. Watching you strut your stuff is like watching a train wreck. Can't. Look. Away.

Examples: Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, Kanye West

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Now I'm curious. What are the little things that people do that drive you crazy, even if they aren't necessarily "bad"?

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